Evil Dead: The Series 20: "TV-MA"
by OmarSnake
Summary: What happens when the Deadites control your vertical and horizontal?


"Evil Dead: The Series" Episode 20  
  
"TV-MA"  
  
By: OmarSnake  
  
SCENE01  
  
Your name is Ash.  
  
You are a rugged, good-looking fellow with one mechanical hand, numerous scars and bruises, and a not-entirely secret type of secret: You are a monster fighter. Ever since you went to the woods and met some evil spirits known as Deadites several years ago, you have wound up fighting their type, and other evil monsters, demons, you name it... if it's mean, supernatural and probably ugly, odds are you've kicked its butt.  
  
Today begins like many days for you; you wake up groggily, realizing you dozed off on your couch in your small apartment, pizza delivery box still on your chest and the TV set still on from when you dozed off the night before. In fact, you never took your jeans or black t-shirt off, just your sneakers. You stretch and yawn, starting to get up and get ready for work.  
  
But wait... you remember suddenly, you don't have to work today! That jerk Teddy wanted next Saturday off so he could go to a wedding, so you agreed to switch with him. No S-Mart for you today.  
  
So you lean back and stretch, ready to take a post-sleep nap. Your hand idly reaches for the TV remote to switch the TV off, when the image of Regis Philbin and Kathie Lee Gifford flickers a bit. Curious, you glance over at it.  
  
The two hosts are chatting amiably about their big guests for the day, singer Britney Spears and pro wrestler The Rock.  
  
The image flickers again. Regis's head turns, staring straight at the camera. "Time to die, Ash," he says. "Time to die."  
  
You glance at the picture, noticing that neither Kathie Lee nor the studio audience seem to have reacted to this odd outburst; in fact, it is as if it never happened.  
  
You arch an eyebrow in your patented way when Kathie Lee flickers, her head turning toward you as she cackles "Dead by noon! Dead by noon!"  
  
If you flick off the TV set, go to SCENE02.  
  
If you get up and move closer to the TV, go to SCENE03.  
  
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SCENE02  
  
You turn off the TV set, attributing the odd images to that past-its-street- date beer you drank with the pizza last night. As you stretch and yawn, there is a knock at the door.  
  
You get up and head that direction grumpily, looking through the peephole to make sure there are no monsters outside.  
  
There isn't. Quite the contrary, there is a lovely young woman standing there; Jesinia Tree, a cute, tomboyish coed who lives in the apartment building and occasionally comes over to watch sports with you and your pals.  
  
You brush your hair back with your fingers, take a quick test of your breath against your palm, and open the door.  
  
"Hi," Jesinia says. "I didn't wake you up, did I?"  
  
"Nah," you reply, stifling a yawn.  
  
"I was just wondering... um... have you had any problems with your TV?"  
  
You arch an eyebrow. "How do you mean?"  
  
Jesinia bites her lip, hoping not to sound too crazy. "Donny and Marie just threatened my life."  
  
You arch the other eyebrow.  
  
"Here, let me show you what happened," she says, reaching for the remote control and flicking on your TV set.  
  
The picture appears on the screen of Regis and Kathie Lee chatting amiably with Britney Spears. The teenybopper singer spins her head around and screeches "Dead By Noon!!!"  
  
"Both of you," Regis agrees. "Dead By Noon!"  
  
Kathie Lee hisses and spits.  
  
You reach to take the remote from Jesinia's hand, and flick it to a different channel.  
  
"What the heck is going on?" Jesinia asks. "Donny called me by name. It's not like there's a lot of 'Jesinias' out there..."  
  
The image changes to an old black and white 'Andy Griffith Show' rerun, as Barney Fife and Andy Taylor look around an old barn searching for an escaped convict.  
  
Barney shakily puts his one bullet into the chamber of his pistol.  
  
Andy turns toward the screen. "Gonna kill you all," he says with a friendly drawl.  
  
"Dead By Noon!" Barney says. "Dead By Noon!" He lifts the pistol, aiming it at the screen.  
  
You instinctively push Jesinia to one side as Barney fires. Behind you, a lamp shatters.  
  
"This is crazy!" Jesinia cries.  
  
If you use the remote to change the channel again, go to SCENE04.  
  
If you use the remote to turn off the TV, go to SCENE05.  
  
If you use your metal hand to smash the screen in, go to SCENE06.  
  
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SCENE03  
  
You move closer to the TV set, curious about what is going on.  
  
Regis snarls at you. Kathie Lee glowers. The show's producer flashes a 'taunt' sign, which causes the studio audience to start chanting "Dead by Noon" over and over.  
  
"You're going to die a slow, painful death, Ash!" Kathie Lee screeches.  
  
"Don't bet on it, bitch," you reply.  
  
"Is that your final answer?" Regis asks, then laughs maniacally.  
  
If you reach to turn off the TV set, go to SCENE08.  
  
If you punch out the set with your mechanical hand, go to SCENE09.  
  
If you reach around to unplug the TV set, go to SCENE10.  
  
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SCENE04  
  
You switch the channel as Barney curses his bad aim, using words never before heard in Mayberry.  
  
On CNN, a stodgy-looking anchor breaks from his report on the oil crisis to cry "Dead By Noon!!!"  
  
Click.  
  
On Comedy Central, the cast of Saturday Night Live turn from their parody of a credit card commercial to begin hurling insults and threats.  
  
Click.  
  
On Channel 47, a home and garden show is interrupted by the cackling threats of a matronly woman screaming "Swallow your soul!" over and over.  
  
"This... is really creeping me out," Jesinia says.  
  
"Yeah, well..." you start, trying to figure out how to explain the Deadites to her. Come to think of it, you're not sure how they're doing this, but you're pretty sure they are the ones responsible.  
  
Before you get a chance, the channel flips on its own, going back to the Mayberry Jail.  
  
"Thought ya'd get away from me, huh?" Barney Fife asks, his voice high and squeaky. He holds a rifle, aiming it at the screen.  
  
"You two are under arrest," Sheriff Andy Taylor drawls, pointing to the jail cell behind him. He, too, holds a rifle.  
  
You start to grab Jesinia and turn to run, as both of you are caught in a vortex....  
  
Go To SCENE11.  
  
  
  
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SCENE05  
  
You flick off the TV as Barney curses his bad aim, using words never before heard in Mayberry.  
  
"What the heck was that all about?" Jesinia asks.  
  
You shrug. "Um... hard to say," you explain. "Maybe it's an April Fool's prank the networks are playing."  
  
Jesinia bites on her lower lip as she considers this. "I don't think so..."  
  
You scratch the back of your head, trying to decide whether or not to explain the concept of Deadites. You've kept Jesinia in the dark about the supernatural events in your life for as long as you've known her, but this time around she may be in mortal danger. After all, they were taunting her also, not just you.  
  
"This is gonna sound kooky," you start.  
  
Before you get a chance, the TV set clicks back on all by itself, going back to the Mayberry Jail.  
  
"That was downright rude!" Barney Fife cries, his voice high and squeaky. Behind him, Sheriff Andy Taylor approaches, carrying two rifles from the supply cabinet. He hands one to Barney, who spins and aims it at the screen.  
  
"Now, you two, come along peaceful like and we won't hurt ya none," Sheriff Taylor says, a diabolical glint in his eye.  
  
You start to grab Jesinia and turn to run, as both of you are caught in a vortex...  
  
Go To SCENE11.  
  
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SCENE06  
  
"All right, that's it!" you growl, taking a few strides toward the TV set and throwing a punch to smash it.  
  
As you come up to the set, Andy Taylor shoves his black and white hand out of the screen, grabbing your fist.  
  
"That's resistin' arrest, son," he says, pulling you through the screen.  
  
Jesinia grabs your legs, trying to pull you back. Instead, she too is pulled through.  
  
Go To SCENE11.  
  
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SCENE07  
  
No path leads to this scene. Now, go back and do it right. : )  
  
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SCENE08  
  
You reach to turn off the TV set.  
  
As you do, Regis leaps forward, his hand coming through the TV set.  
  
He is surprisingly strong, and pulls you forward. You bash your head on the edge of the set, but the screen itself is no longer solid matter. He pulls again while you are still dazed, and you are drawn into the set itself, vanishing from your apartment.  
  
Go to SCENE14.  
  
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SCENE09  
  
You start to punch the TV set out with your mechanical hand.  
  
As you do, Kathie Lee lunges forward, grabbing your fist and pulling you in through the TV set.  
  
Go To SCENE14.  
  
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SCENE10  
  
You reach for the power cord.  
  
As you do, Regis lunges forward, his hand jutting out of the TV set and appearing in three dimensions.  
  
"Oh, no, you don't----" he yells as you kneel down and unplug the set.  
  
The screen goes black, his hand dematerializing at the same time.  
  
You sit back and breathe a sigh of relief. As you stand, there is a knock at the door.  
  
You get up and head that direction grumpily, looking through the peephole to make sure there are no monsters outside.  
  
There isn't. Quite the contrary, there is a lovely young woman standing there; Jesinia Tree, a cute, tomboyish coed who lives in the apartment building and occasionally comes over to watch sports with you and your pals.  
  
You brush your hair back with your fingers, take a quick test of your breath against your palm, and open the door.  
  
"Hi," Jesinia says. "I didn't wake you up, did I?"  
  
"Nah," you reply, stifling a yawn.  
  
"I was just wondering... um... have you had any problems with your TV?"  
  
You arch an eyebrow. "How do you mean?"  
  
Jesinia bites her lip, hoping not to sound too crazy. "Donny and Marie just threatened my life."  
  
You arch the other eyebrow.  
  
"Here, let me show you---" she starts, then notices the plug. "You unplugged your TV?"  
  
You nod.  
  
"Did they threaten you too?" she asks.  
  
"Nah," you reply. "But Kathie Lee did."  
  
Jesinia looks at the TV, and then back at you. "Mom always told me too much television would rot my mind, but she didn't say anything about it threatening to swallow my soul."  
  
You scratch the back of your head. "Yeah, that's... uh... wacky," you say, not wanting to explain the Deadites to her.  
  
Jesinia shrugs and starts to say something, when you both hear the TV flicker back to life.  
  
You look over simultaneously as the set comes on, despite the fact that it is still unplugged.  
  
"What the heck?" Jesinia asks.  
  
The channels begin flicking past, rapid-fire, voices on each channel howling with anger.  
  
Jesinia instinctively steps close to you, and you put an arm around her protectively.  
  
The channel stops, on the Cartoon Network.  
  
Wile E. Coyote stares at the screen, holding up a sign that reads 'Dead By Noon'.  
  
The Road Runner makes an unusually menacing "beep beep" noise.  
  
Jesinia looks to you. "Are they threatening us too?"  
  
Wile E. flips his sign around. The other side reads 'Yes. We Will Kill You.'  
  
Then, he flips the sign back around. It now reads 'Both of You, Ash and Jesinia. Dead by Noon.'  
  
The Road Runner growls "beep beep" again.  
  
You gently push Jesinia aside and step between her and the TV set.  
  
"Alright, you Deadite bastards," you growl. "I don't know how you got into my TV set, but leave the chick out of this."  
  
Wile E. smirks menacingly, holding up a cartoon bomb, a black sphere with a burning fuse. He tosses it forward, and it comes through the TV screen, landing with a bounce on your living room floor.  
  
If you throw yourself over the bomb, go to SCENE17.  
  
If you kick the bomb back into the TV set, go to SCENE18.  
  
If you grab Jesinia and run from the apartment, go to SCENE19.  
  
  
  
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SCENE11  
  
You and Jesinia land with a thud on the cold, grey floor of the Mayberry County Jail. As you look around, you realize that everything --- including yourself and Jesinia --- is in black and white. Jesinia's tank top and jogging pants have been replaced with a flowery sun dress, and her hair has gone from its ponytail to a bouffant hairdo. Your jeans and t-shirt have been replaced with a crisp white button-up shirt and grey slacks. Your mechanical hand is still there, fortunately.  
  
Andy Taylor and Barney Fife stand over you, rifles aimed.  
  
"Nice of you to drop in," Barney says, and the sound of a laughtrack fills the air behind him.  
  
"Now, if you'd be so kind as to step into our guest quarters," Andy says, waving his rifle in the direction of the jail cells.  
  
"Feller, you're gonna have to share a cell with Otis," Barney says, and you notice a lumpy figure on the cot in one of the cells, snoring to himself.  
  
"And young lady, you'll go in that cell over there," Andy says, motioning to the left-hand cell, which is cleaner and brighter, with lace doilies on the rocking chair and a nice little reading lamp beside it.  
  
"What the hell is going on?" you snarl.  
  
"Figured you'd figure that out, you bein' such a Mr. Smartypants and all," Andy says.  
  
"Mr. Smartypants, Mr. Smartypants," Barney sings tauntingly, dancing around. The ethereal laughtrack seems to take great delight in his awkward dance moves.  
  
If you punch Barney, go to SCENE12.  
  
If you don't, go to SCENE13.  
  
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SCENE12  
  
You throw a punch, knocking Barney off his feet.  
  
"Smart, dumb, at least I got a robot hand," you growl, and the laughtrack reacts with delight at your quip.  
  
Andy pushes his rifle up against Jesinia's neck and looks over at you.  
  
"Now, I'd hate to blow this purty little thing's throat all over the wall," he says. "Aunt Bee just cleaned this place up yesterday. But if you don't start bein' just a touch more cooperative, I'll have no choice."  
  
Jesinia bites her lip and looks to you; clearly, she is confused and disoriented and hopes that you know what is going on.  
  
The look in her eye takes the fight out of you, at least for the moment. If you tried to grab for the rifle, Andy might blow her head off. And she's a sweet kid, one you'd hate to have something bad happen to.  
  
"Now, get in that cell," Andy says gruffly.  
  
You comply, and Barney slams the door shut behind you and locks it.  
  
Then, Andy pushes Jesinia into the adjacent cell and locks her in as well.  
  
Otis snores loudly on the cot behind you as you stare out at the black and white world you are trapped in.  
  
Go To SCENE20.  
  
  
  
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SCENE13  
  
You glower at Barney, but do not act to stop him.  
  
Andy nudges him to stop dancing, and he obliges.  
  
"Now, you two get into them cells," Andy says sternly.  
  
You scowl at Andy, and he scowls back.  
  
"Don't push me, boy," he says with a none-too-friendly drawl.  
  
You reluctantly go into your prison cell, and Jesinia into hers. The doors lock behind the two of you.  
  
Otis snores loudly on the cot behind you as you stare out at the black and white world you are trapped in.  
  
Go To SCENE20.  
  
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SCENE14  
  
You land hard on the set of Live With Regis and Kathie Lee.  
  
The studio audience sits there, chanting "Dead By Noon" over and over.  
  
"Our next guest," Regis pronounces with bombastic flourish, "is the only guy who stands between the Deadites and the conquest of humankind!"  
  
The audience snarls in unison.  
  
You get to your feet.  
  
Regis and Kathie Lee glower at you, as does guest star Britney Spears.  
  
"Goodie two-shoes," the teenybopper says angrily.  
  
You grip your mechanical fist, ready for action. But none of them are making a move toward you.  
  
Someone taps you on the shoulder.  
  
If you throw a punch without looking, go to SCENE15.  
  
If you turn around before striking, go to SCENE16.  
  
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SCENE15  
  
You throw a punch behind you.  
  
A large, muscular man with sunglasses staggers back, his nose bloodied. It is professional wrestler The Rock.  
  
"Oh, now you're gonna REALLY be dead by noon," he growls as he lunges forward.  
  
You roll to one side, grabbing a chair and smashing it over his head.  
  
The Rock staggers.  
  
Regis Philbin grabs a cast iron skillet from the cooking set at the back of the studio and races your direction.  
  
The Rock comes to his senses and lunges toward you again.  
  
You duck, and Regis swings his skillet just in time to hit The Rock in the face.  
  
The studio audience winces, then begins screaming out obscenities at you.  
  
"Not our most popular guest," Kathie Lee says. "I don't think we'll be inviting you back."  
  
She motions to a security guard, who pulls a pistol and aims it at you.  
  
You duck behind the cooking set as the guard opens fire.  
  
There is a sudden flash of light and the audience gasps in unison.  
  
"What the heck?" a voice calls out.  
  
It is the voice of your neighbor Jesinia Tree, a sweet-hearted, somewhat naive tomboy who occasionally comes over to your apartment to watch sports with you and your pals.  
  
You look up as The Rock grabs her by the arm.  
  
She screams, and you start to race to her rescue... that pesky 'save the girl' instinct that has caused you so much trouble in the past is kicking in again.  
  
But before you get out there, Jesinia throws a judo chop and hits the Rock... once again... in his nose. He yowls.  
  
The security guard races toward her, pistol ready.  
  
You race to intercept the guard, at the risk of your own safety. Damned chivalry.  
  
"HOLD IT!!!" Regis yells.  
  
All heads turn to him.  
  
"We need the girl," Regis says.  
  
"Me?" Jesinia asks.  
  
"For the ritual," Regis explains as he steps forward, holding up a serpentine dagger. "Virgin sacrifice."  
  
Jesinia's face goes red.  
  
"You're not sacrificing anybody, you show biz hack!" you yell, tackling Regis.  
  
You and he roll around, struggling.  
  
Then, he coughs up blood. You step back as he sputters, the serpentine dagger imbedded in his chest.  
  
"Not... fair..." he stammers. "This is... daytime... television. You're supposed to.. stab people... in the back...."  
  
he gasps, passing out.  
  
Jesinia comes up beside you. "My God, you just killed Regis Philbin," she says. "You're my hero."  
  
"You son of a bitch!" Kathie Lee cries, vaulting across the room with a single demonic leap. "Who's going to co-host now?"  
  
She transforms into a witchy version of Kathie Lee, her eyes glowing, her skin grey and her hair wild. Her fingers grow into talons, and she slashes at you. You duck, then parry another attack with your mechanical hand.  
  
Meanwhile, the security guard turns his attention back to Jesinia just in time for her to kick him in the groin. He doubles over and she grabs his pistol, throwing it to you.  
  
Kathie Lee laughs maniacally, trailing off as you shove the barrel of the pistol in her mouth.  
  
"Ah, pipe down," you say, pulling the trigger and blowing her head off.  
  
She slumps.  
  
"Cut!" a voice cries out.  
  
It is the show's producer, a nerdy-looking guy named Gelman. He shakes his head in disbelief. "You really screwed us up this time, Ash."  
  
"I've killed two of you bastards so far, and I'm ready to take on whatever else ya got," you reply defiantly.  
  
"Won't be necessary," Gelman sighs. "Time's up. You're safe."  
  
"What?" you ask. "It's nowhere near noon."  
  
Gelman shrugs. "Actually, the chant should have been 'dead by 9:30 a.m.', but that just didn't have the right ring to it."  
  
"What was this all about?" you demand.  
  
Gelman shrugs again. "Attacking you, same as always," he says. "We're Deadites, it's what we do."  
  
"Then why stop?" you ask, perplexed.  
  
Gelman motions to the bodies of Regis and Kathie Lee. "They wanted to attack you. They attacked you. You attacked back. You attacked better."  
  
"But what about the ritual he was squawkin' about?"  
  
Gelman shrugs a third time and looks down at Regis's body. "You'd have to ask him, I just work here." Then, turning to the crew, he yells "That's a Wrap!!"  
  
A vortex swirls around you and Jesinia once again, depositing you back in your apartment.  
  
She looks around, then shakes her head in disbelief.  
  
"What happened?" she asks.  
  
You both look over at the television, where a very much living Regis and Kathie Lee chat amiably with The Rock. It is as if nothing ever happened.  
  
"I... uh... couldn't begin to explain it," you reply. "How'd you get in here?"  
  
"I came over here to find you," Jesinia explains. "I was watching Donny and Marie, and Donny started threatening my life. I kinda freaked out."  
  
"Understandable," you reply.  
  
Jesinia looks around, perplexed. "So everything's back to normal?"  
  
"Normal as my life ever gets," you reply.  
  
"What's a Deadite?" she asks.  
  
"Long story," you say.  
  
You flick off the TV set, and both of you stare at it as the image fades out.  
  
"Want to explain it to me over some breakfast down at the Waffle House?" Jesinia asks.  
  
"I'd rather not explain it, but breakfast sounds good," you reply.  
  
You pull on your shoes and the two of you head for the door.  
  
You open the door for her. "Virgins first," you say with a mischievous twinkle in your eye.  
  
She blushes furiously and heads through the door as we...  
  
FADE OUT.  
  
  
  
End.  
  
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SCENE16  
  
You turn around before striking.  
  
Mistake.  
  
A large, muscular man with sunglasses slugs you with all his might, which turns out to be enough to knock you backwards.  
  
It is professional wrestler The Rock.  
  
"Can you smell what The Rock is cookin'?" he asks as he moves forward.  
  
Before you can come to your senses, he has pinned you.  
  
"C'mon, ya pantywaist," he growls. "That the best you can do?"  
  
"No," you reply with a grunt. "This is."  
  
You grab one of his hands with your mechanical hand, cracking his knuckles. He howls in pain.  
  
There is a sudden flash of light and the audience gasps in unison.  
  
"What the heck?" a voice calls out.  
  
You look over. It is your neighbor, Jesinia Tree, a sweet-hearted, somewhat naive tomboy who occasionally comes over to your apartment to watch sports with you and your pals.  
  
In your momentary distraction, The Rock throws a punch with his other fist, hitting you in the jaw. You fall backwards.  
  
He leaps to his feet, then tackles you.  
  
Regis, meanwhile, grabs Jesinia by the arm. "Ladies and gentleman, another special guest!" he says. "Brought here to purify the dagger we're going to use to slay Ash... Jesinia, the Virgin Sacrifice!"  
  
The crowd snarls and hoots.  
  
Then Regis holds up a serpentine dagger.  
  
Jesinia looks at it, and at him. "You big jerk!" she says, throwing a judo chop and hitting the host in the neck.  
  
Meanwhile, you and The Rock continue to wrestle. He starts to pound your face against the floor, and you push back to hit him in the nose with the back of your head. He stumbles off you, his nose bloodied.  
  
Jesinia trips Regis, then grabs the serpentine dagger as it clatters to the floor.  
  
"You don't know what you're up against, do you?" Kathie Lee growls. Her hair grows long and wild, her fingers turning into talons and her skin turning mottled and grey as she leaps across the soundstage.  
  
Jesinia throws up the dagger, impaling Kathie Lee. She screams and falls to the floor, dead.  
  
Meanwhile, you throw The Rock against a decorative bookshelf on the set, then pull the shelf down on him, books and all.  
  
"Ash, what's going on?" Jesinia asks, running to you.  
  
"Long story," you reply.  
  
Regis gets to his feet and holds up a hand. Boney claws tear from his fingertips, and he laughs maniacally.  
  
"Cut it out, you're scarin' me," you say deadpan as you throw a punch with your mechanical hand, knocking several of his teeth out.  
  
Regis flies backwards, then gets to his feet. Demon wings tear from his shoulderblades.  
  
"Dead by Noon," he says, taking flight.  
  
You grab the dagger from Kathie Lee and fling it upwards, cutting through one of Regis Philbin's demon wings. He tumbles back to the floor.  
  
Before he can get up, you kick a cameraman out of the way and throw all your weight against the enormous camera, knocking it over on top of Regis.  
  
He gurgles helplessly as he is squished.  
  
"Cut!" a voice cries out.  
  
It is the show's producer, a nerdy-looking guy named Gelman. He shakes his head in disbelief. "You really screwed us up this time, Ash."  
  
"I've killed two of you bastards so far, and I'm ready to take on whatever else ya got," you reply defiantly.  
  
"Won't be necessary," Gelman sighs. "Time's up. You're safe."  
  
"What?" you ask. "It's nowhere near noon."  
  
Gelman shrugs. "Actually, the chant should have been 'dead by 9:30 a.m.', but that just didn't have the right ring to it."  
  
"What was this all about?" you demand.  
  
Gelman shrugs again. "Attacking you, same as always," he says. "We're Deadites, it's what we do."  
  
"Then why stop?" you ask, perplexed.  
  
Gelman motions to the bodies of Regis and Kathie Lee. "They wanted to attack you. They attacked you. You attacked back. You attacked better." Then, turning to the crew, he yells "That's a Wrap!!"  
  
A vortex swirls around you and Jesinia once again, depositing you back in your apartment.  
  
She looks around, then shakes her head in disbelief.  
  
"What happened?" she asks.  
  
You both look over at the television, where a very much living Regis and Kathie Lee chat amiably with The Rock. It is as if nothing ever happened.  
  
"I... uh... couldn't begin to explain it," you reply. "How'd you get in here?"  
  
"I came over here to find you," Jesinia explains. "I was watching Donny and Marie, and Donny started threatening my life. I kinda freaked out."  
  
"Understandable," you reply.  
  
Jesinia looks around, perplexed. "So everything's back to normal?"  
  
"Normal as my life ever gets," you reply.  
  
"What's a Deadite?" she asks.  
  
"Long story," you say.  
  
You flick off the TV set, and both of you stare at it as the image fades out.  
  
"Want to explain it to me over some breakfast down at the Waffle House?" Jesinia asks.  
  
"I'd rather not explain it, but breakfast sounds good," you reply.  
  
You pull on your shoes and the two of you head for the door.  
  
You open the door for her. "Virgins first," you say with a mischievous twinkle in your eye.  
  
She blushes furiously and heads through the door as we...  
  
FADE OUT.  
  
  
  
End.  
  
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SCENE17  
  
You throw yourself over the bomb.  
  
There is a huge cartoon "KER-BLOOIE!!!" noise as the bomb detonates, tearing you apart in its multicolored blast.  
  
Unfortunately for you, this being the real world the pieces don't fall back into place intact. Jesinia stumbles back, eyes wide with shock and horror, as Wile E. lobs another bomb into the room and snickers maniacally.  
  
Go to SCENE21.  
  
**********************************  
  
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SCENE18  
  
You leap forward and kick the bomb back where it came from. It lands in Wile E. Coyote's hands... er, paws. He looks down and whimpers just before it goes off, its multicolored blast leaving him a scorch mark with two blinking eyes.  
  
The Road Runner lets out another "beep beep" and runs away.  
  
Wile E. shakes his head, reconstituting to his normal form, then holds up a large wooden mallet marked 'Acme Ash-Smasher'.  
  
He steps forward, through the screen.  
  
He stands before you, a living cartoon character, roughly your height (if you count the ears).  
  
You throw a punch before he can swing the mallet.  
  
Wile E. Coyote staggers back, tiny birds materializing in the air around him as they circle his head.  
  
You backhand him with the mechanical hand, sending the coyote into a twirl.  
  
Then, as he twirls around, you swing down and hit the top of his head. He drills into the floor, kicking up wood and carpet as he tears through the flooring.  
  
Jesinia darts forward and grabs the mallet, tossing it to you.  
  
Wile E. shakes his head, still disoriented. His shoulders are caught on the edges of the hole he has made in your floor, leaving him prone.  
  
Wile E.'s jaw drops as you pull back with the mallet.  
  
"Fore!" you cry as you swing with all your might, knocking his head clean off.  
  
It bounces back through the TV set, landing on the cartoon ground of the Mojave Desert.  
  
Bugs Bunny steps forward, holding up the head and gazing at it.  
  
"Alas, Poor Wile E.," the cartoon bunny says with melodramatic flourish, then looks at the screen, eyes focusing on you. "Eh, Dead By Noon, Doc," he says.  
  
You pull back the mallet and swing with all your might, smashing the TV set.  
  
The mallet flickers out of existence, as does the coyote's body, leaving a hole in your floor and the downstairs neighbor's ceiling that will be hard to explain.  
  
"Wh-what just happened?" Jesinia asks.  
  
You shake your head. "Trust me, kid, you don't wanna know."  
  
She examines the wreckage of your TV set. "You... um... think you can do this to my set too?" she asks.  
  
"Because the more that I think about it, I've got a lot of reading to catch up on..."  
  
  
  
Congratulations.  
  
You managed to survive a brief, disorienting attack by the Deadites. Exactly why they tried to get at you through your TV set, or why they also went after Jesinia, you don't know. But other than having a lot of explaining to do with the landlord, you're safe and sound. For now.  
  
End.  
  
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SCENE19  
  
You grab Jesinia by the hand and run.  
  
As you go through the front door of your apartment, the bomb goes off, shaking the building with its blast.  
  
Your TV set is destroyed, as is much of your living room.  
  
With the destruction of the set comes a sudden end to the Deadite attacks. The landlord is extremely unhappy, but Jesinia seems grateful, and it's never bad to have a beautiful young lady think of you as her knight in shining armor.  
  
You managed to survive a brief, disorienting attack by the Deadites. Exactly why they tried to get at you through your TV set, or why they also went after Jesinia, you don't know. But other than the certainty you won't be getting your deposit back on your apartment, all is right with the world, and you are safe and sound. For now.  
  
End.  
  
  
  
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SCENE20  
  
One commercial break later, you pace your jail cell.  
  
Some time has passed, and Andy is not there. Barney snoozes, leaning back against the far wall on his wooden chair.  
  
"Ash," Jesinia whispers.  
  
"What?" you whisper back.  
  
"What are we going to do?" she asks.  
  
You grin.  
  
The Deadites made a mistake leaving you with that mechanical hand, especially considering what a low-security jail Mayberry has. You grab hold of the bars and clench your robot fist, bending the metal.  
  
Behind you, Otis stirs.  
  
Then he leaps up, his eyes bulging and his skin rotted and decayed. "DEAD BY NOON!!!" He hollers as he lunges at you.  
  
Barney is startled by the sudden noise and flails out, falling off his chair. He rolls and comes up on his feet, pulling his revolver out. "Whazzat? whazzat?" he cries as the laughtrack reacts to the moment of slapstick.  
  
You throw out your mechanical fist, knocking Otis back against the far wall.  
  
Barney rushes up, revolver ready, as you pummel the Deadite Otis before he can regain whatever passes as his senses.  
  
"Stop that right there!" Barney cries, holding up the revolver.  
  
You grab Otis and pull him between yourself and Barney as he fires, blowing Otis's head off.  
  
Barney cusses to himself, digging in his pocket for another bullet.  
  
Before he can produce one, Jesinia reaches out from her cell, hitting Barney in the back of the head with the small reading lamp they had left with her.  
  
Barney falls to the floor.  
  
"Nice work," you say as you turn and use the mechanical hand to tear open the cell door. You grab the keys off the wall and unlock Jesinia's cell.  
  
"Thanks," she says as she emerges from the cell. "Darn shame, I always liked him in that movie where he turns into a cartoon fish."  
  
You two step over Barney and head to the front door.  
  
Outside, it is a sunny... though, of course, still black and white... day in Mayberry. As you emerge from the sheriff's department, you catch sight of a motorcyle with sidecar in front of the building.  
  
Jesinia leaps into the sidecar, and you take the seat of the motorcyle.  
  
Across the street, Gomer Pyle emerges from the soda shop and spots you.  
  
"Citizen's Arrest! Citizen's Arrest!!!" he cries as you roar off down the streets of Mayberry.  
  
The laughtrack kicks in again.  
  
"What do we do now?" Jesinia calls as she pulls on a motorcyle helmet.  
  
You aren't sure what to say.  
  
All around you, the music swells as the episode draws to a close.  
  
You snap awake suddenly. You are back on your couch, the TV playing.  
  
The only difference is, Jesinia is cuddled up next to you, dozing. Her eyes snap open as you sit up.  
  
You are back in your regular clothes, as is she.  
  
The end credits of the Andy Griffith Show play on the TV set.  
  
Jesinia rubs her eyes. "Was I dreaming?"  
  
"If you were, it's contagious," you say.  
  
An anchorman's face appears on the screen.  
  
"This just in," he says with the somber tones of a man in his line of work. "That bastard Ash escapes the clutches of the Deadites... for now."  
  
And then he flickers out of existence, replaced by a Pepsi commercial.  
  
"Well, that was... different," Jesinia says. "What's a Deadite?"  
  
You get up and turn off the TV. "Never mind," you say.  
  
She stands, stretching and yawning.  
  
"Come on, let's go grab some lunch," you say. "Somewhere they don't have a TV set playing."  
  
She nods in agreement and follows as you pull on your shoes and head to the door.  
  
"No, seriously," she says. "What's a Deadite?"  
  
"It's a long story," you tell her.  
  
  
  
You managed to survive a brief, disorienting attack by the Deadites. Exactly why they tried to get at you through your TV set, or why they also went after Jesinia, you don't know, but you are safe and sound.  
  
For now.  
  
End.  
  
  
  
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SCENE21  
  
Congratulations. You've just killed off Ash.  
  
As a result, the Deadites will take over the world and enslave humanity in a never-ending cycle of despair and torment. Hell on Earth will be a day in the park compared with what they have in store once they unleash their full fury on humankind.  
  
Nice going.  
  
End of Series. 


End file.
